The below is the second in a series of three guest posts by the deliciously witty Elle Persephone. Check back weekly over the course of February to get the rest of her Top 3 Tips! If you aren't sure who Elle is, check out my introduction post here! And take a look at Tip 1!
2. Shut Up
I want you to read the following real life paragraph written by a thirty-something professional asking for relationship advice from The Rules, whilst simultaneously arguing against them:
I have to admit, to break the ways that I grew up, the philosophies that I have stood by on being a real and honest person always, would be hard to break. If I like someone, I tell it as it is and I truly believe I never step out of line. If they cannot handle my boldness or honesty or they are not attracted to me - yes I am hurt, but I say to myself fuck it and time to move forward. Although I admit, that has happened one too many times in my life.*
>>>Me: Whoa, Zena Warrior Princess! Who's telling you to lie? I'm telling you to SHUT UP, not lie. Re-read your paragraph. You are basically so insistent on showing him EVERYTHING about you - right up front, no mystery - you are literally beating him with raw ugly emotional truth (the scariest thing a man can think of) and then complaining when he winces. In this paragraph, you are saying "I know that no man is strong enough for me so I scare them off as quick as I can so that I can spend my days in fantasy relationships" I used to be exactly like you. I used to write paragraphs just like this.
* Red`s note: I sounded like this too!
Once on the date, at the great location and in your FDO (First Date Outfit, remember?), the clock starts ticking.
You have 60 minutes to find out if you want a second date, and then only if he asks you. The only thing you need to do for the next hour is be polite. And yes, politeness includes honesty, respect, smiling, laughing and giving short friendly answers to short friendly questions. Politeness includes silence and Silence is Golden. Awkward moments are always going to happen when two strangers meet. Smile, blow it off, SHUT UP and sip a glass of water until you think of something relevant to say. Don't worry, he will start talking. Men love to talk! If he doesn't have any “game”, then it's not your fault; he's a Dud and better luck next week, Sister.
Politeness does not include talking about money (his), talking about sex (yours), asking overly personal questions (either) or asking about the future (both). There is absolutely no possibility that you could learn anything more relevant about man in so short a time other than his name, rank and serial number, so roll with it. Loosen up, keep it clean, and try to enjoy it. You’re out on a date on a Saturday night with an eligible bachelor. It's supposed to be fun.
When the hour is up and your drink is finished, begin to look around, check your watch, hit the can, whatever and let him pay. If you are doing The Rules, then he knew it was his treat when he invited you. Rules Girls do not pay on Date Zero: a simple drinks date. It is irrelevant how much you make versus how much he makes. This is romance, not business. The man will touch the bill and then he will pay for it. Do not touch it, do not look at it, DO NOT TALK about it. Simply say thank you, smile and SHUT UP.
He is going to ask if you'd like to do this again and you are going to casually say "Sure." and then STOP SPEAKING. The next words should be his. If he actually means it, he can work out the details. Remember, it's a long way from an email, to a text message, to a call, to proper plans, to actually meeting, to doing it all over again… So don’t be the obstacle that kills it by saying “No” in the early stages. You never know where this may lead. Brownie points if he walks you to your car.
The date is now over! You did it!
And if you are like me, you probably have another one booked around the corner, so get out of there like you have somewhere to go. It worked for Cinderella.
- Elle Persephone
Come back in a week for Tip 3!
Have any experiences with online dating? Email me!
This post brought to you by Red Herring, with original content written by Elle Persephone. Photos belong to their credited owners.