Monday, February 14, 2011

Top 3 Tips for Women Doing The Rules for Online Dating - PART 3 - by Elle Persephone

The below is the final in a series of three guest posts by the deliciously witty Elle Persephone. Take a look back at the previous Top 3 Tips! Click here for Tip 1, and heere for Tip 2.

If you aren't sure who Elle is, check out my introduction post here!

3. You are Too Fucking Available, so WAIT 24 hours…
Point #3 could also be called “Stop Texting” but for those who know me – and know the way I say it the above title packs a better punch. Every loser has said “I hate games” but no man worth his salt has ever said “I hate the chase” and today’s woman is too. fucking. available. First it was pagers, then email, then cell phones, then living together… 

How can he miss you if you never leave? How can he be interested in you, if you already told him everything on your first date? If you’ve mastered SHUTTING UP, and even if you haven’t, it’s now time to SHUT UP on your mobile devices.
Sadly, The Rules for Online Dating are silent on the topic of texting. Therefore, I am implementing a Rule of my very own as inspired by The Rules:

Wait 24 hours to respond when you have received a text. 

I am not kidding. If you he wants to ask you out by text, then he has to do it by Wednesday, otherwise he is SOL because you are BUSY. Besides, guys who get your number and then only text are Duds, or married. My text inbox usually has five messages by Tuesday night, all vying for that coveted Saturday slot. This is in addition to the men who actually call me, and those that arrange meetings on the dating website itself. I do not answer any of them until Wednesday at lunch. 

I write a maximum of three short lines that get right to the point. I never say “No” unless I am certain that there will be a scheduling conflict. Better to have two dates the same night, than none at all! Stop endlessly wasting your time answering silly sext messages that never get to the point.

IN CONCLUSION, interdating (i.e. internet dating) is the future. Posting a "resume" on the internet is how we will meet many people going forward: future friends, future employers, and future spouses. If you know what you are looking for and if you have adequate boundaries firmly in place, it can be fast, easy and fun. It takes me just a few minutes a day to confirm a date for the weekend and each week I meet someone new. As Dr. Phil recommends, "I am in a target rich environment". 

It did not start out easy and I had a lot of bumps on the way but The Rules for Online Dating were a valuable resource and I can not say enough good things about this process. Looking for that BIG love is a noble quest. There is magic every Friday and Saturday night I wanted to be a part of, and now I am. I hope to see you out there.

- Elle Persephone

That's everything from Elle! Remember to take a look at her blog for a series of dates, and what she's learned.

A huge thank you goes to Elle for supplying me with guest posts over the course of this month. Readers, be sure to comment with your thoughts!

Have any experiences with online dating? Email me

This post brought to you by Red Herring, with original content written by Elle Persephone. Photos belong to their credited owners.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Top 3 Tips for Women Doing The Rules for Online Dating - PART 2 - by Elle Persephone

The below is the second in a series of three guest posts by the deliciously witty Elle Persephone. Check back weekly over the course of February to get the rest of her Top 3 Tips! If you aren't sure who Elle is, check out my introduction post here! And take a look at Tip 1!

2. Shut Up

I want you to read the following real life paragraph written by a thirty-something professional asking for relationship advice from The Rules, whilst simultaneously arguing against them:

I have to admit, to break the ways that I grew up, the philosophies that I have stood by on being a real and honest person always, would be hard to break. If I like someone, I tell it as it is and I truly believe I never step out of line.  If they cannot handle my boldness or honesty or they are not attracted to me - yes I am hurt, but I say to myself fuck it and time to move forward. Although I admit, that has happened one too many times in my life.*

>>>Me: Whoa, Zena Warrior Princess! Who's telling you to lie? I'm telling you to SHUT UP, not lie. Re-read your paragraph. You are basically so insistent on showing him EVERYTHING about you - right up front, no mystery - you are literally beating him with raw ugly emotional truth (the scariest thing a man can think of) and then complaining when he winces. In this paragraph, you are saying "I know that no man is strong enough for me so I scare them off as quick as I can so that I can spend my days in fantasy relationships" I used to be exactly like you. I used to write paragraphs just like this.
 * Red`s note: I sounded like this too!

Once on the date, at the great location and in your FDO (First Date Outfit, remember?), the clock starts ticking. 

You have 60 minutes to find out if you want a second date, and then only if he asks you. The only thing you need to do for the next hour is be polite. And yes, politeness includes honesty, respect, smiling, laughing and giving short friendly answers to short friendly questions. Politeness includes silence and Silence is Golden. Awkward moments are always going to happen when two strangers meet. Smile, blow it off, SHUT UP and sip a glass of water until you think of something relevant to say. Don't worry, he will start talking. Men love to talk! If he doesn't have any “game”, then it's not your fault; he's a Dud and better luck next week, Sister.

Politeness does not include talking about money (his), talking about sex (yours), asking overly personal questions (either) or asking about the future (both). There is absolutely no possibility that you could learn anything more relevant about man in so short a time other than his name, rank and serial number, so roll with it. Loosen up, keep it clean, and try to enjoy it. You’re out on a date on a Saturday night with an eligible bachelor. It's supposed to be fun. 

When the hour is up and your drink is finished, begin to look around, check your watch, hit the can, whatever and let him pay. If you are doing The Rules, then he knew it was his treat when he invited you. Rules Girls do not pay on Date Zero: a simple drinks date. It is irrelevant how much you make versus how much he makes. This is romance, not business. The man will touch the bill and then he will pay for it. Do not touch it, do not look at it, DO NOT TALK about it. Simply say thank you, smile and SHUT UP
He is going to ask if you'd like to do this again and you are going to casually say "Sure." and then STOP SPEAKING. The next words should be his. If he actually means it, he can work out the details. Remember, it's a long way from an email, to a text message, to a call, to proper plans, to actually meeting, to doing it all over again… So don’t be the obstacle that kills it by saying “No” in the early stages. You never know where this may lead. Brownie points if he walks you to your car.

The date is now over! You did it! 

And if you are like me, you probably have another one booked around the corner, so get out of there like you have somewhere to go. It worked for Cinderella.

- Elle Persephone

Come back in a week for Tip 3!

Have any experiences with online dating? Email me

This post brought to you by Red Herring, with original content written by Elle Persephone. Photos belong to their credited owners.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Top 3 Tips for Women Doing The Rules for Online Dating - PART 1 - by Elle Persephone

The below is the first in a series of three guest posts by the deliciously witty Elle Persephone. Check back weekly over the course of February to get the rest of her Top 3 Tips! If you aren't sure who Elle is, check out my introduction post here!

After 41 Dates and Counting in the past year , I have a couple of tips for achieving the best Internet Date possible…

Top 3 Tips for Women doing The Rules for Online Dating

1. Have a perfect date location picked out for “Date Zero” (i.e. a simple drinks date).
The Rules indicate that since the man is ideally coming to your area for the date, you can recommend a place should he ask you. But only if he asks you. In my experience men will use this lifeline, and so it is essential that you have a conveninent location to casually suggest when the moment presents itself. 

For me this is Dr. Generosity in the Bloor West Village. The red-haired waiter who works Saturday night has seen me so many times, every time with a different man, and has done an excellent job of pretending he doesn't recognize me. This cozy bar/restaurant is close to my home, never too crowded but attracts a young hip crowd, across the street from ample Green P parking and has an amazing website and real menu. 

 I simply text "Dr. Generosity. Google it" and plans are set. Then, at the appointed hour I bounce across the street, jump into a window booth, and wait for my date. How easy! This is the essence of The Rules.
In addition to having a set location, you need a First Date Outfit (FDO). This is something fitted but classy, with a bit of colour and a bit of bling, that follows your curves with a minimum of flesh. I have had to adjust my FDO for winter (i.e. the addition of a cute sweater or scarf) but it stays essentially the same. You need to feel relaxed and beautiful in this outfit. This outfit does not include stilettos or short skirts unless you normally dress this way.

Here is the benefit: In a location you are comfortable in, in an outfit you have already road-tested, your spidey senses are not being jammed with insecure back talk from your subconcious. Instead, your senses are relaxed but still alert for danger. Imagine how you walk in to work every morning. It's so familiar that you can notice right away if something is wrong. This is the same familiararity that I want to you to feel with internet dating. Meeting a perfect stranger is anticipation enough. Remember, until you see the whites of his eyes, this man is a stone-cold stranger. A nice stranger, but still a stranger. 

- Elle Persephone

Come back in a week for Tip 2!

Have any experiences with online dating? Email me

This post brought to you by Red Herring, with original content written by Elle Persephone. Photos belong to their credited owners.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Blogs I'm Reading - Lolita Charm

Victoria Suzanne lives in New York City and writes a colourful, cute, wonderfully informative blog on Lolita culture called Lolita Charm.

Now, I will admit to despising pink and veering much more towards the rocker side of fashion, if rocker means 'what I grab in the morning' with the occasional dose of pinup/burlesque that migrates into my every day clothing. Despite that, I still peruse this blog for the in-depth articles about a fascinating and aesthetically pleasing (Read: PRETTY!) fashion/culture typically out of Japan.

Most recently Victoria's written a detailed post on how to use Rakuten to shop from Yumetenbo...a Japanese store whose stock I've been pillaging with my eyeballs and limited understanding of kanji.

This is an extremely good guide, although my wallet will disagree.*

Check it out, check her out, and inject some frills into your daily life.

~ Red Herring

* and my boyfriend, who has maybe two feet of closet space and some drawers. Which, really, is fine for a
boy. Right? Right?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

What I'm Reading

Those who don't know me well may have no clue that when it comes to books, I tear through them at an alarming pace.

Alarming especially when their costs have been rising exponentially every year!* I can't curse this too much, because as a writer, I completely support the authors and realize just how much money a normal author (NOT J.K. Rowling) makes. On the other hand, me-of-limited-funds and a crack-like addiction to certain reads kind of needs my next fix like, yesterday.

The boy got my a Kindle for Christmas, and a gift card with which to feed my addiction. I had ten books downloaded within an hour, including the last book in a trilogy that I had JUST finished the second book of.

I also had a few preordered...which will be delivered instantly when they're released.

It's awesome. I blew through a new release I found in my book list in about 24hrs.

This makes me happy.

Expect some upcoming posts on what I'm reading, and what I think of it, and why you should probably read it too. Some books will be related to burlesque or pin-ups or that aspect of my life, but I tend to read a majority of books that are found in the Fantasy/Sci-Fi section of the book store.**

Take a peek coming soon (and check out my shamelessly promoted wishlist! Feel free to 'donate' to my 'cause')

~ Red Herring

*I remember when most books were $4.99!

** That's not to say they're Tolkein-esque stories of epic fantasy, or stereotypical Dragons! Elves! Dwarves! fantasy. Rarely do I read that anymore.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Guest Post Series! - The Rules by Elle Persephone

I'm going to start a mini series of guest posts, and the cherry popper of the guests is the wonderful, witty Elle Persephone.

I met Elle in Coco Framboise's burlesque classes, and learned that she was writing a blog based on her dating life. This is something that I used to do, back when I first forayed into online dating. Some of these dates went surprisingly well, some surprisingly terrible, and some were just surprising.

Photo from one of the Get Your Makeup Did events that I run. Makeup by 3B Artistry.

Elle, however, has a tool that I was not privy to in my adventures on PlentyofFish and OkCupid: The Rules. Here's her description:

"The Rules - in brief - require that the man initiate contact, the method of contact and that he chooses the date, time and venue for "Date Zero" i.e. a quick drinks date. Finally, he must do all this in 4 messages or less."

Throughout the dates (covering over a year, and up to #43 at the time of this blog) she expands on the rules, and specifically notes where she deviated from them...and the results.

Here's an excerpt from the beginning of her experiment:

"Hello Dear Reader and Welcome to the New Year and beginning of a New Decade.

I have looked back at the previous decade and realized that despite a lot of crying, lying and two broken hearts, I have not achieved my goal of becoming a happy wife and mother. Something has got to change and that change begins with me. I will begin by outlining my intention. I will go on as many dates as I can this year through POF or, the old fashioned way. Initially this sounds daunting but I will choose my potential mates by using a book I found at the library - "The Rules for Online Dating" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, published in 1995. At first blush, this book seemed draconian in its' rigidity but in practice the method is most scientific. I will abide by the strict code of conduct outlined on those pages and I will not deviate, but if I do I will certainly tell you about it....Wish me Luck, Dear Reader, I will need it."

This is an excellent blog for girls interested in online dating, or dating in general. For guys? Think of this as a view from our side. Tips, pointers, and a nice set of stories from which you can glean advice with careful reading.

Elle will be providing a few posts on her experiences over the last year, and what she has learned from it.

I've included some Amazon links to a few editions by the author, from the '95 original that Elle is working off, to a few newer editions.

With a bit of googling I've found The Rules website!I haven't had time to check it out too thuroughly, but let me know if there's anything interesting here in the comments!

Take a look at Elle's blog and stay tuned for her upcoming posts throughout the month of February!

~ Red Herring
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